she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
