i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
