Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
