Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
