I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
