Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
