my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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