just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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