I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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