if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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