I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize