6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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