The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize