I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
