Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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