Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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