I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I could fuck to npr.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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