nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
