i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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