Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
