I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
