i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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