he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
