My first STD was from a foam party
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
