I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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