ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
