I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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