Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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