My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
