I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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