My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize