Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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