i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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