hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
