I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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