apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
