I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
