woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize