Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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