My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
