What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
