Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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