is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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