I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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