I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
