I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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