Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
