1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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