last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
