You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
