Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
