So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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