and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
