new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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