yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
