tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
