you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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