But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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