My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize