My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
