I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
its liver damage thursday
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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