Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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