The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
