He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize