i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
