oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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