I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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