sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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