She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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