the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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